What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment to someone who is harming you, formed through a repeating cycle of mistreatment followed by affection, apology or relief. The unpredictability and the imbalance of power make the good moments feel intensely important, which is why people in abusive relationships often feel deeply attached to the person hurting them and find it so hard to leave.

Researchers Donald Dutton and Susan Painter described "traumatic bonding" in the early 1980s while studying abusive relationships. They identified two ingredients: a power imbalance, and intermittent good and bad treatment. Today the term is used more loosely, sometimes for relationships that are painful but not abusive. It is most accurate when there is real harm and a real imbalance of power.

• You defend or make excuses for the person's behaviour, even to yourself.
• You feel intense relief and closeness after conflicts or mistreatment.
• You keep hoping they will go back to how they were at the start.
• You feel you cannot leave, or you return after leaving.
• You hide what happens from friends and family.
• You feel responsible for their moods and walk on eggshells.

Kindness that arrives unpredictably creates some of the strongest attachments there are. Add isolation from friends, financial dependence, shared children, fear and a worn-down sense of self-worth, and leaving can feel impossible. None of this is a personal weakness. It is how human attachment responds to this kind of pattern.

• Name it. Recognizing the pattern is an important first step.
• Reconnect. Rebuild contact with people outside the relationship.
• Plan for safety. If there is violence or control, leaving can be a dangerous time. Make a safety plan with a trained advocate.
• Limit contact where you can. After leaving, less contact means fewer chances for the cycle to restart.
• Expect grief. It is normal to miss someone who hurt you. That does not mean leaving was wrong.

If you are in danger, call 911. Alberta's Family Violence Info Line, 310-1818, is free, confidential and available 24/7 in more than 170 languages, and it can connect you with shelters and safety planning. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988.

Therapy can help you understand how the bond formed, rebuild your sense of self-worth, manage the grief and the pull to go back, and recognize warning signs in future relationships. Where there are trauma symptoms such as nightmares, panic or constant alertness, trauma-focused therapy can help with those too.

When there is abuse, couples counselling is generally not recommended, because it can increase the risk for the person being harmed. Individual support comes first.

Our clinicians work with people leaving or recovering from harmful relationships in Calgary, Red Deer and Cold Lake, and online when that is easier to arrange safely. No referral is needed. Call 1-888-622-8350.

We direct bill many insurers, including Alberta Blue Cross, Canada Life, Sun Life, Manulife and Greenshield, so you pay only the part your plan does not cover. If money is controlled in your relationship, ask us about reduced-rate options. See direct billing and insurance.

Related reading: What is complex PTSD?, Signs of unprocessed trauma and Grief has no timeline.