Supporting Wellness Psychological and Family Services

What Is a Trauma Bond?

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A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment to someone who is harming you, formed through a repeating cycle of mistreatment followed by affection, apology or relief. The unpredictability and the imbalance of power make the good moments feel intensely important, which is why people in abusive relationships often feel deeply attached to the person hurting them and find it so hard to leave.

Where the term comes from

Researchers Donald Dutton and Susan Painter described "traumatic bonding" in the early 1980s while studying abusive relationships. They identified two ingredients: a power imbalance, and intermittent good and bad treatment. Today the term is used more loosely, sometimes for relationships that are painful but not abusive. It is most accurate when there is real harm and a real imbalance of power.

Signs of a trauma bond

  • You defend or make excuses for the person's behaviour, even to yourself.
  • You feel intense relief and closeness after conflicts or mistreatment.
  • You keep hoping they will go back to how they were at the start.
  • You feel you cannot leave, or you return after leaving.
  • You hide what happens from friends and family.
  • You feel responsible for their moods and walk on eggshells.

Why it is so hard to break

Kindness that arrives unpredictably creates some of the strongest attachments there are. Add isolation from friends, financial dependence, shared children, fear and a worn-down sense of self-worth, and leaving can feel impossible. None of this is a personal weakness. It is how human attachment responds to this kind of pattern.

How to start breaking a trauma bond

  • Name it. Recognizing the pattern is an important first step.
  • Reconnect. Rebuild contact with people outside the relationship.
  • Plan for safety. If there is violence or control, leaving can be a dangerous time. Make a safety plan with a trained advocate.
  • Limit contact where you can. After leaving, less contact means fewer chances for the cycle to restart.
  • Expect grief. It is normal to miss someone who hurt you. That does not mean leaving was wrong.

Help in Alberta

If you are in danger, call 911. Alberta's Family Violence Info Line, 310-1818, is free, confidential and available 24/7 in more than 170 languages, and it can connect you with shelters and safety planning. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988.

How therapy helps

Therapy can help you understand how the bond formed, rebuild your sense of self-worth, manage the grief and the pull to go back, and recognize warning signs in future relationships. Where there are trauma symptoms such as nightmares, panic or constant alertness, trauma-focused therapy can help with those too.

When there is abuse, couples counselling is generally not recommended, because it can increase the risk for the person being harmed. Individual support comes first.

Counselling at Supporting Wellness

Our clinicians work with people leaving or recovering from harmful relationships in Calgary, Red Deer and Cold Lake, and online when that is easier to arrange safely. No referral is needed. Call 1-888-622-8350.

We direct bill many insurers, including Alberta Blue Cross, Canada Life, Sun Life, Manulife and Greenshield, so you pay only the part your plan does not cover. If money is controlled in your relationship, ask us about reduced-rate options. See direct billing and insurance.

Book online
Call 1-888-622-8350
Direct billing and insurance

Related reading: What is complex PTSD?, Signs of unprocessed trauma, Grief has no timeline, Is it too late for couples counselling? and Is addiction a disease?.

Our Matching Process

Over the Phone Consult
Give us a call for an over-the-phone consultation. Booking a therapy session requires no referral. We look forward to getting to know you and helping you access the care you need.
Pair With a Practitioner
Once we’ve spoken on the phone, we’ll be able to assess your concerns and pair you with a practitioner in our office who is best suited for your situation. We want you to receive relevant and relatable support. We have locations in Calgary, Red Deer and Cold Lake.
 
Come in to Talk
We look forward to having you come in for your first session; our goal is to make you feel welcome and comfortable. You will sit down with a therapist who has specialized knowledge of your area of concern.

Why Choose Supporting Wellness

Supporting Wellness Psychological and Family Services
Safe & Welcoming Environment
Our office is comfortable and inviting for clients of all ages with a modern, open, and friendly atmosphere. We do our best to ensure you feel completely safe and comfortable when you come for your appointment, whether with a family member or on your own.
Family Oriented Practice
We cater to families with multiple concerns. We are knowledgeable about marriage and family counselling, couples therapy, and child therapy. We are dedicated to maintaining an environment that is safe, comfortable and inviting to families.
We Listen & Work Collaboratively
We use a collaborative approach in our therapy and counselling sessions. We listen intently, respond with care, offer helpful feedback, and often recommend activities or reading materials to support progress between sessions.
Specialized Care
Our team includes specialized psychologists and therapists with advanced training. You can trust that the professional supporting you has the experience and expertise needed to provide high-quality care.
No Referral Necessary
We do not require a referral from your family physician; seeking care from one of our trained practitioners is the first step to better mental and emotional health, and we want you to have easy access to the care you need.
Free Connection Calls
All of our therapists offer free 15-minute connection calls to help you determine if they’re the right fit for your needs. It’s a chance to ask questions, share what you’re looking for, and feel confident in your next steps, so you can move forward knowing you’re supported from the very beginning.